


Reasons Wretched and Divine

by Moon_Like_No_Other



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Circus, Child Abuse, F/F, Self-Esteem Issues, Slavery, Spinel is a sad bitch, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21524836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moon_Like_No_Other/pseuds/Moon_Like_No_Other
Summary: Spinel works as a clown in a traveling circus who battles with self-hate and has sworn to never open her heart again. Pearl is a new acrobat joining them with their travels. Unfortunately for Spinel, she can't help but feel drawn to the light in the eyes of this mysterious and stoic beauty. (Spinearl circus au)
Relationships: Pink Diamond's Pearl/Spinel (Steven Universe)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 139





	1. Chapter 1

Spinel bowed and waited, her breathing heavy because of all the dancing tricks she did. Her eyes were shut tight, anxiously waiting for the crowd’s reaction. The sound of hundreds of hands clapping erupted and all her worries slipped away. No matter how much she performed she was always scared of facing the audience’s silence, afraid of not being good enough.

“That was everyone's best friend Spinel with her energetic performance! Now, give it up for some acrobatics from our lovely Miss Melissa!”

Spinel made her leave out of the big tent at that sound. Just when she was outside she heard screams and dashed back inside. Melissa had fallen to the ground and she was heavily injured, there was a pool of blood around her. The director was trying to defuse the situation by getting the crowd to leave. But that was easier said than done, people liked making things harder for everyone.

An ambulance arrived shortly after the accident and carried Melissa away. She hadn’t died but her ribs and legs were broken. Spinel didn’t understand how that could have happened. She was an excellent acrobat and it was not like her to fall.

“The ropes were damaged. They must have gotten too old. Poor Melissa.” Spinel heard the director say.

Spinel gasped. How the hell did the director allow this? Was he that careless, that stingy with his money?

She went back to the main tent and found everyone asking the same questions. Everyone was talking bullshit about the director but Spinel was sure almost all of them would have done the same thing.  _ What a drag, I’m sure not a single one of them care about what happened to Melissa. They just care about drama,  _ Spinel thought bitterly. She decided she wanted nothing to do with these pathetic people and made her leave.

She washed her clown face paint and took off her performance clothes. It had been a tiring day. She was looking forward to sleeping.

Spinel had been traveling with the circus for three years now. They had traveled all across Europe, from Istanbul to Italy. She was twenty-three years old now. She had grown up in an orphanage with nothing to her name other than a letter inside a heart-shaped necklace from her mother, promising to come back for her and for Spinel to not leave that orphanage. What a lie that had been. She had waited every single day for her. She didn’t know anything other than the ‘fact’ that her mother was going to come back for her. She hadn’t lost hope even when the years passed. When she was eighteen and no could no longer live in that orphanage, she decided that something must have happened to her mother. She was clearly unable to come find her so Spinel decided to find her mother herself.

It took her two years to find her mother’s house but she was no longer there. Rose Quartz was dead.

She had died giving childbirth, said son Steven was now three years old and living with Rose’s friends and his dad Greg.

She had learned the truth from Rose’s friends. Her mother had never meant to have her. She had gotten pregnant accidentally from a one night stand. She wasn’t even brave enough to have an abortion and didn’t want to take care of the newborn either. The letter was nothing other than Rose trying to make sure Spinel didn’t try and find her, she never had the intention of coming back.

Spinel was devastated. The family offered her a place to stay for some time since she didn’t exactly have a place to go back to but she had declined. She couldn’t bear to look at the little boy that was her brother any longer.

He was wanted, he was loved, he had a family. Of course, he didn’t know their mother either but he had three mother figures and a father. Spinel didn’t even know who her father was and her mother just wanted to get rid of her.

They say that the bond between a child and a mother was sacred, well Spinel had never had that connection apparently. From the moment she was born she wasn’t wanted in this world.

Spinel wished to never be born, she wished her mother had an abortion. She wished to die.

She tried making that wish true one night by trying to drown herself in the ocean. She didn’t know how to swim, it should have been easy. It wasn’t like there was anyone that was going to miss her. He had no friends, no family, no money, no nothing. She was nothing more than trash.

Maybe she would wash up on the shore in front of Steven’s house. She liked that thought. She liked the idea of these people seeing her like that. It was as if Spinel wanted to punish them for knowing Rose personally, for being important to Rose. Maybe that was why she had decided to commit suicide in Beach City.

She let the waves take her. As she started sinking she felt her body fighting to rise but it wasn’t working. She didn’t know how to swim. It wasn’t like Spinel wanted to live but it was like her body had different ideas.

She felt strong hands grabbing her waist and pulling her out of the water. She coughed up water and turned to look at her savior (Or was it torturer? After all, it was because of this person that she still had to live this torturous life) and found herself face to face with Garnet, one of the women Steven lived with.

She felt her anger rise and boil her blood.

“What do you even want from me?! Just let me go won’t you!” Spinel shouted at Garnet.

The muscular woman didn’t seem to care about Spinel’s anger and pulled her to the shore. They stayed there for a while, the only sound coming from the waves and the only light being the stars in the sky above them. Spinel would never admit it but she was crying. Thankfully she was already wet all over and her eyes were already puffy from the salty water so it wasn’t noticeable.

After what seemed like forever, Garnet spoke. “You know,” she started saying “If you try to drown yourself you’ll see that your body will fight for air. Because it isn’t yourself that you want to kill. You want to kill something that is inside you.”

After saying that, Garnet got up and left. She didn’t tell Spinel how she knew she would find her there. Spinel figured that Garnet had strong morals and couldn’t let someone commit suicide on her watch.  _ It’s not like she cared about me, she just couldn’t find it in herself to let me die. Just like mom,  _ Spinel thought

Spinel thought about going back in the water to try again but couldn’t find the strength to do that in herself. Cursing Garnet with all her heart, she fell asleep on the sand.

She had joined the circus shortly after that incident. They were always traveling. Loads of performers were already a part of it but they seemed to have an opening for a clown. The audience was always different and they never stayed in one place for too long. You couldn’t get attached to someone or someplace if you didn’t have enough time to develop feelings. The circus even provided the food for performers. It was perfect.

Despite everything, Spinel still had the heart-shaped necklace left from Rose. But now she wore it upside down. A reminder to never trust again. A reminder that no one in this world wanted her.

She had sworn to never open her heart again.

Morning came around sooner than Spinel’s liking.

The director, Frank, was desperate for a new acrobat. They were on a tight schedule and if they didn’t continue the show soon they were going to lose a lot of money, possibly it could even end with the circus being closed. But since the previous acrobat had been injured not because of an accident but because of the carelessness of the director, people were hesitant to accept the job offer.

Spinel was sure one of the reasons Frank wanted to leave this city was because he was afraid that Melissa would sue him once she regained her consciousness. So he had to find someone else for the job as soon as he could.

“Good news everyone!” Frank yelled. “Little Pearlie here is gonna be our new acrobat! Let’s give her a warm welcome to our family.”

Spinel was surprised that Frank was able to find someone to replace Melissa this quickly. She was also surprised that this woman had accepted the offer. Did she want to die or something?

‘Pearlie’ was a slender woman. She was a little taller than Spinel, had light brown hair and she was missing an eye. Spinel decided that she was a beautiful woman but didn’t pay much attention to her other than that. She wasn’t fond of new people and even if this person was unarguably attractive, Spinel wasn’t one to warm up to people easily.

“Gosh, look at her eye!” “Disgusting...” “Whatever happened to her I wonder?” people around Spinel were whispering.

Spinel felt her blood boil. She hated it when people were this petty, this disgusting.

“Spinel, Pearl here will be taking the hammock under yours. Show her around won’t you?” said Frank.

“Hey, Spinel. Try not to barf when you’re near her alright? I personally couldn’t handle being near someone who misses a body part.” one of the jugglers laughed.

“Funny, You don’t seem to have a problem walkin’ around dickless, shithead.” Spinel shot back as she grabbed Pearl’s arm. “Don’t mind them, doll. They’re a bunch of assholes.”

Doll? Where had that come from? She understood her need to shut the juggler up but she was under no circumstances required to comfort this person.

Pearl just smiled softly at Spinel and followed her. “It’s fine. People are terrible no matter where you go in the world, am I right?” Pearl said.

Spinel took a deep breath. “Yeah,” she said. “I think the same way.”

Spinel showed Pearl around the tent, where they ate, where they slept, where the wild animals were kept (Pearl hummed disapprovingly at the sight of them but neither her nor Spinel could do something about them, so she didn’t comment), how often they changed places, Pearl’s schedule and such. Pearl didn’t say much, only asking some questions here and there. Spinel noted that Pearl was nicer to talk to than all of these people in the circus combined. Her voice wasn’t commanding, wasn’t harsh nor was it the voice of someone who thought of themselves above everyone else. No, it was soft and easy to listen to.

“What’s your part in the show?” asked Pearl.

“Oh, I’m a clown. There’s four of us. You’re the only acrobat though since acrobats make more dough than most performers good ol’ Frank can’t ‘afford’ more than one.” explained Spinel.  _ More like doesn’t want to spend money on it, that dickhead _ ; Spinel thought.

Pearl just hummed and didn’t make a further comment. Pearl didn’t seem to make a lot of mimics. Actually, the only time Spinel had seen her show emotion was when Pearl had smiled when they met. It wasn’t bothering Spinel per se, but it was odd.

“Anyways, since you’re here now we’ll probably get going soon,” said Spinel.

She turned out to be right, too. The circus started packing almost immediately. They were going to leave at night and they would probably reach their destination at dawn which would give them enough time to set up the tents for the show that night.

As the director had informed them, Pearl was sleeping under Spinel’s hammock. Pearl wasn’t someone who snored it seemed and Spinel welcomed that fact happily.

It was at night that Spinel woke up to the sound of sobbing. It seemed that Pearl was crying. Spinel decided to take a peek and found that Pearl was still asleep. She was probably having a nightmare or something. Spinel felt her heart melt and reached down to shake the acrobat, only to stop abruptly right before her hand touched Pearl’s shoulder. Cursing herself for caring, she tried to go back to sleep.

_ She wouldn’t have done the same for me, _ she thought.  _ I won’t be weak enough to care. Not again. I won’t be left behind again. _

Spinel couldn’t get any sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got the fic title from a hozier themed generator www.generatorland.com/usergenerator.aspx?id=22501


	2. Chapter 2

Spinel peaked at the audience from behind the preparation tent.  _ Wow, loads of pretty dames tonight. Maybe I’ll get lucky enough to accompany one of them home,  _ thought Spinel.

She went back to putting on her face paint. It wasn’t like this was a new occasion for her, but she still felt under pressure. What if the audience hated her? What if they threw their food at her? It wasn’t like she was that good of a clown anyway. Or maybe Frank would get tired of her and throw her ou-

“Pearl! You’re up next. Be sure to do good if you wanna keep your job!”

Spinel turned her head to Pearl. Unlike her, Pearl seemed to be completely calm. The acrobat straightened up her eyepatch and walked in the big tent.

Spinel was confused. It was so hard to believe that this person was the same as the person who was crying in her sleep the other night. Right now, Pearl looked as if she couldn’t bother to give a single fuck about the world around her. She was calm but there was something else too.  _ Disinterest,  _ Spinel realized.

Being unable to help herself, Spinel decided to watch this new girl perform.

And, oh, it was  ** breathtaking ** .

She seemed to spin and dance and jump on those strings like it was nothing. Every move she made, every breath she took was gracious, beautiful. But there was a desperation to her movements as if she was performing for her life. Her body was tense and sometimes unpredictable. Spinel glanced at Pearl’s face and found that her eyes seemed to be elsewhere like she didn’t want to be there, like there wasn’t anything she wanted or liked in this world.

When Pearl finished her performance and the crowd roared with cheers, Spinel couldn’t hear anything. She was stunned, unable to move. She felt tears burning, threatening her to spill down her cheeks but she didn’t let them fall.

Pearl’s movements, they reminded Spinel of something. Of the night she had tried to drown herself.

Maybe there was something inside of Pearl that the acrobat wanted to kill, too.

Spinel only came back to her senses when one of the other clowns smacked her in the head.

“C’mon, idiot! It’ll be our turn soon. Get your head in the game!”

“Alright Troy Bolton, alright,” replied Spinel dryly. Her colleague didn’t seem to be amused.  _ I guess he is not a High School Musical fan, huh. Should have known this guy had terrible taste. _

Making her way to the main tent, she tried to clear her mind and heart of the beauty that was still ghosting in front of her eyes.

Spinel’s performance was lacking. No, lacking was a light way to put it. It was terrible and she knew it. With every move, every joke she was growing more desperate, panic rising in her throat with every breath she took. Sure, the audience was laughing now but they were probably laughing at how pathetic she was. Spinel knew it. She was going to be fired. Her movements were being blocked by the picture of the acrobat. Spinel couldn’t take her mind off of Pearl and because of this, she was about to get fired.

In the middle of her panic, her eyes came in contact with the subject of her thoughts. Pearl was there, smiling at Spinel. Maybe it was a little light, maybe it was barely visible but it was still there. The empty look in Pearl’s eyes wasn’t gone but it was softened. She looked content being there, watching Spinel perform. A few minutes ago the acrobat had looked like she didn’t want to be here at all but now, she looked like she had nowhere else she would rather be.

Those eyes, the eyes that somehow mirrored Spinel’s but yet so different... Spinel wanted to understand, to understand why she knew that desperation. To understand the desperation itself, for she could never figure out why she hadn’t killed herself that night.

She smiled back at Pearl, whose eyes softened even more in return.

She went back to her show, her manic actions disappearing completely. She had a strange sense of calmness running through her veins.  _ That’s odd... _

When she bowed, for the first time, she didn’t care if people were pleased or not. She wanted  ** Pearl ** to be pleased. She wanted the hurt in Pearl’s eyes to be gone. She wasn’t even aware of the reason behind that thought and neither did she want to find out. So, as she usually did when she didn’t want to deal with her mind, Spinel buried that thought. But it no matter how hard she tried, a part of it kept coming back to her.

_ Maybe, if I can make Pearl’s despair disappear, I can solve the mystery behind my own too. _

When she left the big tent, Frank lightly patted her back. “You did such a good job out there, kid! Keep up the good work,” he said

“H-huh? I did good? I didn’t mess it up or somethin’?” Spinel stuttered.

“What? Kid, that was one of the best shows you’ve put on so far. Give yourself some credit won’t you.” answered Frank.

Spinel dumbly walked to change. She had thought she had done terribly, especially when she was stressed out. She was glad she got to keep her job though.

“You performed beautifully.” came a soft voice.

Spinel turned herself to come face to face with Pearl. “Beautifully? Shucks, sweetheart. That isn’t usually a compliment I get from my performances but gee, thanks.”

“What kind of compliments do you usually get, then?” replied Pearl.

“Uh, I dunno. Stuff about how funny I am I guess. Performing beautifully seems more like your type of thing.” said Spinel.

Pearl was taken aback by that comment, “You think I was performing beautifully?”

“Well, yeah. You were all gracefull and stuff. You’re a real looker up there, toots.”

Spinel immediately hated herself for saying that. Unable to look Pearl in the eyes, she darted out of the changing room. She knew where she had to go, where she always went when she could feel herself get too lost in self-hate. She opened the door to the room where they kept their extra props and locked it behind herself.

_ No, no, NO! This is NOT what I think it is. I’m just interested in her because her eyes hold the same feelings mine do. Not like a beautiful dame like her would even turn around to look at me that way. Look at me, pathetic, disgusting, just the ugliest piece of shit you could fi- _

As her self hating thoughts led on Spinel started pulling at her pigtails and biting her lips, making them bleed.

It took her around fifteen minutes to pull herself together and she left the cabin holding Rose’s necklace, reminding herself that she was unlovable and always would be so.

_ C’mon you, idiot. Not even your mother wanted you. Why the hell would this chick _ _ feel any different? _

She grabbed a hotdog from one of the stands and made her way to the cages where they kept the wild animals.

“Hey there, Lion. What’cha doin’ pal?” said Spinel as she approached the pink lion. They painted Lion with pink chalks to make him look funnier. The kids loved him. Spinel pitied him.

“I swear pal, I’m gonna get you out of there someday.” Spinel promised.

Lion didn’t seem to care about her words as he didn’t react to her. Spinel chuckled, that’s why she liked Lion so much. He had been here for such a long time yet he had never bowed to the human race. Sure, he never caused any problems as he knew he would be hurt if he did so but he never complied with everything either. He never begged for food or water. He was still free, despite the cages that were trapping him.

Spinel ate her hotdog and continued watching the beautiful beast in front of her. She knew better than to give her hotdog to Lion. No, he was too proud for that. He would never eat anything outside of his eating schedule. He refused to be pitied. Spinel loved that about Lion.

She finished her food and went to her assigned tent where she would be sleeping tonight. They were going to perform in this city for a week and she was free tomorrow morning so she could sleep as much as she wanted to.

When she entered the tent she found that Pearl was nowhere to be seen. The other six people that they shared a tent with were nowhere to be seen either but Spinel didn’t care about them. Not that she cared about Pearl, no, she was simply curious about her, that was all.

She was woken up by the sound of crying again. It seemed like waking up to Pearl’s crying was going to be a reoccurring event in Spinel’s life. She shut her eyes tightly and tried not thinking about the sadness growing from her heart. She tried to busy her mind with other things like Lion and the pretty women that came to the show today but the only thing she could think about was Pearl’s eyes.

Luckily for her, the sounds coming from under her stopped after a while and she could go back to sleep, her dreams filled with acrobats and waves.

The next few days remained uneventful. They performed as usual and after their time was up, they packed the circus up and left. Spinel was feeling disappointed that she hadn’t had a one night stand for a while but she wasn’t feeling in the mood for flirting with random people either. She was just in need of unwinding, that was all.

The ride to Mostar was uneventful but Spinel was in a good mood nevertheless. She loved that city. She even had a day off, so she was planning on visiting Stari Most and even maybe jump from there. She had seen people do it a lot and even though it was said to be dangerous, she had never been one to care about her well being. That was one of the reasons she was better than the other three clowns at the circus because she would do batshit crazy stuff for the audience that the others wouldn’t even dream of.

_ As long as I can keep the audience entertained, a few broken bones ain’t that important. _

When they reached their destination and people started preparing the scene, Spinel decided to check up on Lion again to see how he was doing. She knew that the big cat hated road trips.

She immediately felt a stab of betrayal in her heart at the sight of Lion. He was being  ** pet.  ** Someone was  ** petting ** him.  ** Pearl ** was petting him and he was enjoying it. He seemed to be...  ** purring ** ?

She rushed to the cage and looked Lion straight in the eyes. He seemed to be quiet proud of himself and wasn’t at all interested in Spinel. She huffed heavily and made a display of hurt at Lion. He seemed to be enjoying her acts.

So was Pearl. She had that soft look in her eyes again, making Spinel’s legs feel wobbly and jelly-like.

Pearl’s soft look turned more serious and pained as her gaze went back to Lion.

“A creature like this shouldn’t have to this way. No living thing should have to suffer from being caged, imprisoned with no control over their lives,” said Pearl. Her eyes had a dark tint to them, almost like bloodlust. Spinel felt shivers run down her spine and made a note not to get on the bad side of Pearl.

Spinel was slowly getting better at reading Pearl’s emotions. Pearl never seemed to make any mimics but her eyes were always telling a story. Spinel felt like every time she looked at Pearl in the eyes, she was learning another part of her story. But that was just stupid. She had no idea what Pearl’s life had been like.

Spinel was quiet for a while. She wasn’t sure how to respond to that. So she just settled with saying “He seems to like you a lot. He has never enjoyed my company this much before.”

Pearl paused her petting for a second, then continued slower than before. “You seem to really love Lion and I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual for him too, despite him teasing you constantly,” Pearl started. “I always see you hanging around him, trying and failing to give him some food. Why did you join something as cruel as a circus if you care about animals?”

Spinel felt anger take over her. Who the hell was this girl to jump to conclusions without even knowing her? “I could ask the same thing to you, pal,” she replied coldly.

Pearl seemed to think for a moment, “Yes, I guess you could.”

Spinel felt even angrier and decided to make her leave without causing some type of trouble. As she turned around, she heard Pearl say “I didn’t have a lot of options. Staying in one place for too long just feels... it’s hard. This was my best shot.”

That was the longest Spinel had heard Pearl talk and it made all her anger vanish instantly. “Yeah,” replied Spinel, “I can relate to that.”

_ I was right. She really is a lot like me. _

She got closer to the cage, sitting down next to Pearl and started petting Lion with her. Lion wasn’t really paying attention to Spinel. Spinel felt that stab of betrayal all over again but tried to tell herself she didn’t care. She shouldn’t have been surprised that someone didn’t like her, despite Pearl telling her that Lion cared about her. _ She pities me, doesn’t she? How could she not, I’m pathetic. _ Spinel wasn’t shocked at Lion liking Pearl either.

Pearl’s hands gently brushed against Spinel’s as they continued their show of affection for the big cat and Spinel withdrew her hand as if it was burned at the unexpected contact, her cheeks coloring.

She looked at Pearl and saw that the acrobat’s face was unreadable. It bothered her. Maybe Spinel had reacted too much. She had always been bad with physical stuff and it had been a long ass time since the last time she had skin to skin contact (except her one night stands, that was). She waited for Pearl to comment on her absurd outburst but it never came. So she just settled on sitting there in silence, overthinking her actions.

Her hand was tingling. It wasn’t in a bad way though. It actually felt pretty good.

Pearl’s hands were cool to touch. Spinel’s hands had always been warm, too warm for her liking. She always felt like they were sweaty and disgusting. She suddenly felt self-conscious. Did Pearl hate the way her hands had felt? Maybe that was why she hadn’t made a comment on Spinel pulling her hand away because she wanted it gone. Of course, it wasn’t like either Pearl or Lion wanted her there. She was interrupting their bonding time. She was just being annoying and stupid. Pearl must have thought that she was weird and unnecessary. And Pearl had every right to think that way because that was exactly what Spinel was.

So, she got up and left without saying a word. If she was unwanted, she had no intention of staying there. How foolish of her to think that maybe Pearl had wanted her there. As she walked, she clutched her mother’s necklace close to her heart.

Pearl didn’t call after her.

She avoided not only Pearl but Lion too after that. It was obvious to her that neither of them desired to be near her. Plus, Pearl seemed to be spending all her free time with the caged animals. So trying to avoid Pearl was pretty much the same thing as trying to avoid Lion himself.

_ Well, so much for tryin’ to befriend that pink ol’ cat. _

Pearl wasn’t only spending time with Lion, though. She seemed to like all the caged animals and they all liked Pearl. Spinel even heard Pearl singing to one of the monkeys they had once.

Well, if she had stayed and listened for a little too long, closing her eyes just to get lost in the beautiful sound, then that wasn’t anyone’s business.

Pearl did have an amazing singing voice. This girl’s talents seemed to be never-ending.

_ Unlike me, the only talent that I have is to make people laugh. Nothing but a clown to the very world that abandoned me, still trying to win over their approval even when they fucked me up. It’s normal that I’m so good at jokes when I’m a joke myself. _

Hearing Pearl cry in her sleep every night wasn’t helping with Spinel’s feelings towards the acrobat either. She had wanted to wake her up more than once but she always stopped herself. Her fear of getting attached was being supported by her feeling of embarrassment and her fear of Pearl being disgusted by being touched by her.

She was starting to get worked up over nothing. Spinel just wanted her day off to go to the Stari Most, maybe her jump would break a few bones and help her get herself back together. Spinel had always found pain to be the best medicine for her problems. Unbeknownst to her, the pain was only a temporary relief. It was one of the things that was ruining her slowly.

Spinel started wondering why she was caring so much about what Pearl was thinking about her. Of course, Pearl didn’t care about Spinel. But wasn’t that just the norm? Who in their right mind would care about someone as shitty as her anyways?

But the idea of Pearl not liking her stung Spinel in a different way than it usually did when people didn’t like her.

She didn’t feel like having a mental breakdown over her emotions, so she got up to take a walk outside. She wasn’t thinking when she walked so she was surprised to find herself in front of Lion.

Lion looked up to her, his eyes unreadable. He made a quiet noise at the back of his throat.

“What do you want dipshit. Sorry, I’m not the dame you wanted to see here. I know you want me gone so don’t worry, I’ll leave.”

But Lion made another sound. It almost sounded like a cat meow. He got closer to the cage bars and bowed his head in Spinel’s direction.

Spinel was confused, honestly. What was Lion trying to say to her? Then suddenly, her eyes grew in shock as the meaning behind his actions settled in.

He certainly couldn’t mean..?

No, it couldn’t be. But then again what could he mean other than that?

Well, it wasn’t like Spinel had anything to lose. Lion had never been the type to bite a hand unnecessarily anyways.

She shakily brought her hand to pet his mane. He started purring. Spinel let out a shaky laugh, she couldn’t believe that Lion was doing this for her.

She nearly didn’t notice the tears streaming down her cheeks.

_ Why? Why would you want to do something like that? Why would anything want to be touched by me? Don’t you know you’ll get filthy if you touch something as disgusting as me? WH- _

Lion grunted at Spinel and licked her hand, not letting her drown herself in her sea full of hatred. His tongue was so scratchy. It was like sandpaper almost and Spinel felt herself fall to her knees at the kind gesture. She felt her lungs open and felt that she could breathe easily. It had been so long since the last time she had been able to breathe this freely, she had always felt that there was a blockage at her throat. Almost as if her own body was trying to choke her.

Well, she could say that this was the second time she had been saved from drowning.

Spinel rested her head against the cage bars and gripped her hands around them, holding tight until her knuckles turned white. Lion started licking at her hair as if he was grooming her. Spinel felt like she couldn’t take any more of it. She started sobbing and wailing.

_ Please, show me no more kindness, Lion. I can’t take it. _

“Animals are magnificent, aren’t they?” asked a soft voice.

Spinel’s gasped at the sound. She froze, her arms started shaking.

_ I can’t let Pearl see me like this. _

Spinel clumsily cleaned her tears. She tried to pull herself away from Lion but he groaned angrily as if he was annoyed by her actions and pulled her back to him by biting her hair.

“They don’t judge you for who you are, only by how nice you are to them. They never harm on purpose or just for the fun of it, unlike humans. They just  ** are,  ** a freedom us humans lost a long time ago.” Pearl’s voice was much closer now, to the point where her breaths were tickling Spinel’s ear and making her heart do weird things Spinel didn’t dare to think about.

Pearl didn’t say anything after that and neither did Spinel. Lion stopped grooming Spinel after a while and turned to look at Pearl in the eyes. Then, as if Pearl had given him a silent order, turned around to lay on the far end of his cage, further away from them.

Spinel couldn’t dare move but her feet were aching with the need to run, to get away from Pearl. She didn’t want to be seen in such a vulnerable state. A gentle hand touched her shoulder and Spinel tensed so much that she was sure her body would be sore tomorrow.

“It’s alright.”

Spinel started crying again. She wanted to punch herself, to hit her head against the walls. Why was she trusting this acrobat so easily, so openly? She bit the inside of her cheek until she could sense the metallic taste of her blood.

Spinel slowly turned to Pearl. She was expecting to see disgust in her eyes, or maybe even anger. Hell, she was even ready for disappointment or something. She certainly hadn’t expected that warmth she had found there. Pearl’s eyes held a soft glint, they were full of understanding and fondness. Spinel couldn’t take it. It was too much for her. First, Lion and then Pearl too?

The love they were showing her was unbearable. She was afraid that this was going to tear her apart from the inside, make her lose herself and ruin her.

Pearl gently took Spinel in her arms and held her close, resting Spinel’s head against her heart. She started combing the hair under her hand in an attempt to further calm the clown in her arms but Spinel started crying even louder. They stayed there for roughly an hour until Spinel stopped crying.

Pearl thought that Spinel was finally ready to talk but found that she had fallen asleep.

Pearl sighed tiredly and scooped Spinel up in her arms with a strength that she didn’t seem capable of with her slim build. She decided to take them back to their sleeping quarters. She was too tired to climb the ladder to put Spinel to her hammock so Pearl decided that they would share her own instead. She placed Spinel gently first and then took her place next to her.

Pearl placed her head on Spinel’s shoulder and drifted off to sleep.

And, for the first time in a while, Pearl slept peacefully.


	3. Chapter 3

Spinel lazily opened her eyes, trying to get used to the light. When she realized that she had slept at Pearl’s hammock but Pearl was nowhere to be seen, she found her heart sinking in disappointment. It was if her being had craved Pearl to be there, to hold her just like she had done last night. Spinel’s face burned in embarrassment as the memories from last night emerged. Never had she trusted someone with her heart so easily like that in her life. It was foolish and dangerous. Spinel should have known better than that.

Pearl had given Spinel a shoulder to cry on and kindness, something that Spinel had forgotten a long time ago. _She must be a good person who can’t stand others being in pain. She would have done that for anyone who was in pain, I’m not special. She must be like Garnet. This doesn’t mean anything._

But Garnet’s voice had been stoic, her face had been emotionless. Spinel did not doubt that Garnet was a great person but... It was different. So much different. Garnet’s comfort was nothing like Pearl’s. Pearl was soft and gentle with her as if Spinel was an exquisite porcelain doll that could break if she wasn’t handled with utmost care. And that.. that was new for Spinel. No one had been that way with her before.

She didn’t want to think too much about it, but at the same time, that was all she could think about. Part of her wanted to believe that Pearl just had high morals, maybe even a martyr complex. That she was one of those people who made everyone’s problems her responsibility.

But as Spinel remembered the way Pearl acted most of the time, like she couldn’t give a single fuck about the things that happened around her, Spinel perished the thought.

_But she’s never like that around me. I wonder why that is? She looked like she cared about me, carrying me and stuff. Maybe she-_

As soon as Spinel realized just what it was that she had been hoping for, her eyes widened. Her blood boiled with fury and disgust. _Another foolish, weak thought again, huh? You dumbass bitch. You damn imbecile! You just won’t ever learn, will you? God, I’m so tired of your stupid fucking bullshit!_

Her body shaking with anger, Spinel got up and bolted outside. She ran until the circus tent was no longer in view and her lungs were pleading for oxygen. Only then she let herself cry, punching the ground beneath her as she did so.

She decided to avoid Pearl once again. That girl had only brought questions and pathetic, naive hopes with her.

The days that followed the one where Spinel and Pearl had slept side by side were uneventful. It was as if Pearl was avoiding Spinel too as she changed her route every time she saw the clown. Spinel acted like that was not at all a problem for her, like she wasn’t feeling an unbearable ache in her heart every time Pearl avoided eye contact.

When the vacation day for the whole circus came by, Spinel felt like she could almost burst from relief.

She was feeling genuinely excited that day. She had worn an old, well-worn swimming suit underneath her clothes so that her clothes wouldn’t get wet when she jumped off Stari Most. She decided to sleep in a bit as her destination wasn’t that far in the first place. The circus was around the Church of St. Matthew and that wasn’t too far away from the said bridge. It wouldn’t be hard to travel there on foot. And even if it was far away, Spinel didn’t have the spare money to spend on public transport anyways. Plus, a good walk would do her good to clear her mind from a certain someone.

Spinel was on autopilot as she started walking for her mind had proved to be useless lately as it could only pay attention to Pearl. She had hated herself for it. Hated herself for memorizing the way Pearl walked, learning the way she had held the spoon as she ate, for listening intently to her nightly cries and feeling it ache her bones. Why was she so fixated on her, anyway? Was it because Pearl had shown her kindness?

Spinel came to a halt. So was that it, then? Was Spinel only interested in Pearl’s whole being because she was hungry for positive attention, no matter where it came from? Spinel expected herself to be relieved at that, that her feelings were not towards Pearl herself but it never came. The idea itself had felt wrong. This wasn’t the reason, Spinel knew it too. She didn’t want attention from anyone else. She wanted it from **Pearl.**

_Plenty of dames looked at me with eyes full of want before. None of them had meant something to me. They just cared about the pleasure they would get from our night together. Hell, some of the bunch even wanted a more meaningful relationship than a one night stand and none of them had mattered before._

That was it, wasn’t it? Spinel realized that she would still feel that strong, red string pull her towards Pearl even if Pearl hadn’t shown her kindness. That thought made Spinel sigh tiredly, she was disgusted with herself.

Fortunately for her, she had reached her destination. The bridge was breathtakingly beautiful. The water underneath was a vibrant shade of turquoise and it had looked clean, too. The only thing was that the bridge was not as high as she had hoped it would be. She was expecting something much more dramatic. _Well, no physical damage for me this time I guess. Ain’t that just... swell,_ she thought disappointedly.

She took off her clothes, made them into a small neat pile and put a tin container in front of herself so that people could throw money in there. She knew a little bit of Bosnian and managed to get the message that she was going to jump from the bridge (people barely understood a word she had said, as she was terrible at speaking this language, but her swimming suit gave people a pretty good idea) and started cartwheeling. She did all kinds of tricks to get the attention of these people. Hey, she could use the extra money. By the time she had finished her little performance, a nice amount of coins had piled up in the container.

Spinel took the container, saluted the people and jumped into the water. As she was falling, she saw an eye that was on the verge of tears staring at her.

She fell into the chilly water. Spinel shivered, she hadn’t expected it to be so cold. Her body was aching with pain and she had swallowed a good amount of water. She rose to the surface, clutching the container and swam to the shore. She could hear people clapping from above, on top of the bridge. _Ah, music to my ears. Betcha this won’t ever get old._

She rested her head on top of the shore and coughed. Half of her body was still in the water but she couldn’t bring herself to care, she felt drained.

“SPINEL!” a voice shouted. Spinel looked up to see the owner of that scared eye. “What were you thinking?!” Pearl shouted once more.

Pearl was practically running towards her. She looked like she was about to cry and Spinel had the sudden urge to eat a whole rock.

“Do you have any idea how high that bridge is? It’s twenty-something meters, Spinel. Twenty-something meters! People have died because they jumped off bridges that high!” Pearl said. Her voice was practically shaking with unshed tears. It took some time for Spinel to process what was happening in front of her as she had never seen the acrobat this emotional before. When she came back to her senses, Spinel could only admit in a slow murmur that no, she hadn’t known those things. She internally added that she would have still jumped even if she knew, but Pearl didn’t need to know that. Especially when she was this shaken about everything.

Pearl sat there quietly, trying to control her breathing. She had brought Spinel’s clothes with her and she was clutching onto them. Spinel looked at her clothes and saw that Pearl had her Rose’s necklace in her hands also. That image switched something open in her mind. When she looked back up at Pearl, she wasn’t feeling guilty. No, she felt anger take over her.

“What’s it to you, huh? What do you want from me anyway?!” shouted Spinel. Pearl raised her head in shock. Spinel only saw despair and fear in those eyes accompanied by something much gentler. It made her even angrier, “Why won’t you leave me alone? I never asked for your help or your lecture.” Pearl wasn’t moving or saying anything, she was just looking at Spinel with scared eyes. “You don’t even care, so don’t act like you do!” shouted Spinel and that line seemed to change something in Pearl’s eyes. Her fear was gone now, she just looked like she was curious. That made Spinel’s anger turn into despair. She felt her throat closing and almost threw up. “Why won’t you leave my side? Please, do it sooner rather than later...” Spinel begged weakly, her voice barely above a whisper. She had her eyes screwed shut as she couldn’t bear looking at Pearl any longer.

Pearl didn’t respond for some time, and Spinel began suspecting that her plea hadn’t been heard by the acrobat.

“Don’t be petty. I don’t deserve to be shouted at and you know it,” said Pearl in a monotone voice but her voice was shaking as if it was hurting her to say this. Spinel looked up to see that Pearl was crying but realized with a twitch in her gut that her face wasn’t showing any emotion. Her eyes, though, they told a whole other story.

Pearl was scared. So very, very scared. _Not from me though, what she just said is scaring her._

“I didn’t deserve it,” Pearl said again. It was very visible that she was trying to put a brave front. Spinel suddenly felt guilt overwhelm her. _Didn’t deserve it, huh..._

Spinel laid on her back to stare up at the sky. Pearl was still crying. It bothered Spinel, how she cried. Her face wasn’t moving, her breaths were still regular, hell even her eyes weren’t red. If her tears weren’t there, she would have looked normal.

Spinel reached her hand out to Pearl and gently held it. “I’m sorry,” she said. “You do deserve to be treated better.” Spinel felt her ears burning with shame. Apologizing wasn’t her strong point (and saying something so intimate to **Pearl** was a challenge on its own) but she was willing to make an exception for Pearl. For she had seen that desperation in her eyes and heard that pain in her words. She thought of the first time she had seen Pearl performing. This was somewhat like that.

_This isn’t about me, is it doll? Just what did they do to a pretty dame like you?_

“I’m so sorry,” repeated Spinel. Pearl didn’t pull her hand away but she didn’t show any sign that she was appreciating what Spinel was doing either. Hell, Spinel wasn’t even sure she had been heard.

Spinel felt herself burning with anxiety but she tried again. “Thank you for bringing my clothes back to me,” she said.

Pearl’s eye refocused. She looked at Spinel and said, “I didn’t want them to get stolen.”

Spinel thanked her quietly and gripped Pearl’s hand tighter. She was feeling warmer now, even when she was soaking wet. She felt guilty and that feeling made her grip Pearl’s hand tighter. She looked up to see that Pearl was still silently crying. Cursing herself for her anger issues, she brought her other hand up to brush Pearl’s tears away. In return, Pearl opened her eye and stared at Spinel. Spinel wanted to tear her gaze and look somewhere else, anywhere else but found that she couldn’t. Not with her Pearl looking at her like that. ** _My_** _Pearl?!_

Spinel gulped audibly. She could barely feel anything other than Pearl’s two hands, one in her own and the other on her cheek. Pearl was sadly smiling at her. Not with her mouth, no, Pearl was different than that. Spinel found that she felt this smile was much more meaningful than all the ones she had received during her lifetime which, admittedly, wasn’t that much, to begin with anyway.

They stayed there like that for a while, basking in the presence of each other while holding eye contact. Spinel felt her heart beating fast, faster than she was used to and feared that Pearl was going to be able to hear it.

It was Pearl who broke the silence. “You should get dressed. You’ll catch a cold,” she said in her monotone voice.

“O-oh! Yeah! I-Uhm... You know what, ah, are you hungry?” Spinel cursed her stuttering. “Do you wanna eat somewhere?”

Pearl agreed kindly and got up to brush the dust off herself. Spinel wore her clothes over her wet swimming suit but she wasn’t in the mood to care about that. She looked at her mother’s necklace and sighed as she put it on.

They silently started walking and Spinel tried not to think about how much she would like to continue holding Pearl’s hand.

\- - -

Pearl was feeling calmer by the time she had finished her food. Spinel had insisted on paying the tab as an apology, paying with the money she had earned from jumping from the bridge.

Spinel was a good company. She could fill the silence easily which was good for Pearl as she wasn’t very talkative. Spinel kept telling her amusing stories from her travels before Pearl had come along. Right now, she was in the middle of telling a story about learning that the lady she had once slept with was actually married while the pair drank their Bosnian coffee. Pearl had stopped listening after she realized Spinel had slept with a woman.

Spinel was attracted to woman.

She felt shocked and relieved but didn’t dare let those emotions show. She was best at that, hiding her true self, pretending to be someone else.

She had made sure of that, her old Mistress.

Pearl realized that Spinel was studying her face a little too closely as if she was trying to figure out her reaction to this new bit of information. Panic and desperation danced in Spinel’s eyes. Pearl felt her heart clutch. She decided to relieve Spinel of her panicked state...

“How could he not have realized that his wife was a lesbian? It surprises me so much when people who have been married for years know nothing about each other. It just doesn’t make sense to me.” said Pearl. Spinel’s eyes lit up and Pearl continued. “And what about the wife? You clearly are not into your husband and are very aware of your sexuality, honey. What the hell are you doing?” At that Spinel burst into laughter. Pearl felt good about herself for making Spinel laugh. She took another sip of her coffee just to hide the pride in her eyes. She had learned that Spinel was better at reading her than anyone else, for some reason she felt warm in her stomach at that thought.

Spinel also took a sip and made a satisfied face. “Oh. I used to drink this stuff back in Turkey too. It’s way better than other coffees in my opinion. I prefer bitter.”

Pearl decided to show off a little. “This is the same thing as Turkish coffee, you say? Well then, would you like me to read your fortune?” she asked. Spinel perked up at that. “With coffee?” asked Spinel, her tone excited.

Pearl finished her coffee, took the plate beneath it and put it on top of the cup, gesturing at Spinel to follow her movements. Spinel complied. Then Pearl flipped it upside down so that the cup was upside down on the plate.

Taking a small sugar cube, she placed it on top of the bottom of the cup. “So that your fortune may be sweet,” said Pearl. Echoes of the past ran through her head at those words.

“Now, we wait until it cools down,” she explained and Spinel looked bummed out. Pearl found that endearingly cute but internally frowned when she realized what she was thinking about. Her finding Spinel cute, being hopeful when she found out that Spinel was interested in woman... She knew where this was going.

She knew that this was dangerous. She felt like punishment for her feelings were just around the corner. She still felt like she was under that family’s control like they were still watching her every move. She longed to be herself again, without fear or resentment.

When the cup finally completely cooled down, Pearl took Spinel’s cup and tried to gently lift it off the plate, but it was stuck. Spinel leaned over to remove the cup forcefully but Pearl didn’t let her.

“This means that your heart’s deepest wish will come true. You’ll ruin your fortune if you remove the cup,” explained Pearl.

“Oh, then, how ‘bout I take a look at your’s, it should be fun, right?” asked Spinel.

Pearl pushed her cup towards Spinel and said: “Just try to see some shapes and then try to decipher them.” Spinel nodded excitedly and started to intently view the shapes.

“I see, uh, a dragon that fights a goat but a fish comes to their rescue with an army of water bottles?” Spinel said. Pearl chuckled at that and Spinel blushed all over.

“Wow, you’re a natural. What else does your psychic eyes see?” Pearl teased.

“Oh shush now, you.” Spinel said back with a teasing look in her eyes. But that looked changed to something brighter as she said “Oh! I’m sure about this one! There’s an upside-down heart with daffodils and sunflowers growing on it.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pearl = our Pearl/Pink Diamond's Pearl  
> pearl = the given name of any servant/used when addressing an unspecific servant

“And now, please welcome our most wonderful Pearl with her amazing acrobatics performance!”

The crowd cheered as Pearl descended. She briefly opened her eyes to look at the audience. They all lacked faces and clothing. They looked like they were all toys made with dough. Two faces stood out amongst the others, a woman with white hair and her daughter, who was in her teenage years. They both looked empty, devoid of life until the daughter smiled, and blood dripped out of her mouth.

Pearl woke up with a yelp. She was sweating so much that it had drenched her clothes and her heart was beating fast. Her cheeks were wet with tears she had shed in her sleep.

She slowly rose and set her feet down on the floor. She preferred the hard ground to her unstable hammock. She took a few calming breaths and decided to get out to get some fresh air.

As she opened the door, something at the back of her mind told her to look behind, and when she did, she saw Spinel’s sleeping form. Pearl melted at sight. _ She’s such a messy sleeper,  _ thought Pearl as she approached Spinel. Her blanket had fallen on the floor, and Pearl picked it up as gently and quietly as she could. The coverage was still warm, so it was most likely that it had just fallen. Pearl tucked the blanket on Spinel and left the bunker. She was feeling calmer, just as she always did when Spinel was around and wished that it was only the two of them who shared the sleeping bunkers.

She decided to walk around a little bit. It was a lovely night and the moon was shining as beautifully as it did every full moon. The light wind was cooling her, and she felt a little refreshed.

Her nightmares were always alike, always painful. She touched her eyepatch; it had been twenty-three years since she had lost that eye and four years since she had left that house. Yet, her heart was still full of fear, her soul entirely made of despair.

Pearl had been a victim of human trafficking as a kid (or maybe her parents had sold her, there was no way of knowing), and she had never known a healthy life. A mafia boss whose nickname was White Diamond (almost no one knew her real name) had purchased her for her beauty. They never gave her a name as it would have been stupid to name an object, White had said. There were a lot of people like her in that house, and they were all treated as objects. All these souls who were made into objects were collectively called pearls, and they were less than slaves in the eyes of the Diamonds. There were four of them: White, her two daughters Blue and Pink and Blue’s wife, Yellow. Each of them had a personal pearl except Pink, and there were also other pearls for different reasons around the house. Pearl was called pink pearl, for her purpose was to serve Pink Diamond.

There was a mother pearl at the house who trained younger pearls such as herself. Pearl’s training was harsh and brutal. Her future owner, Pink Diamond, was fond of watching gymnastics and ballet, so she was trained in those categories. She would dance and stretch until she passed out. Every pearl had to know how to sing; it was mandatory. Pearl sang and sang until she coughed up blood. Mother pearl was never forgiving, and for all the mistakes Pearl made, her punishment was to get beaten up brutally.

On her fifth birthday, White Diamond decided that she was ready to serve her thirteen-year-old owner Pink Damond. If she were to be honest, it was a lot different than what Pearl had expected. Pink Diamond played games with her, joked with her, laughed with her, even told Pearl that her real name was Rose Quartz.

Rose was rebellious. She didn’t like the mafia, nor did she ever want to join them. Rose fought with White all the time, which would anger the youngest Diamond to no end. Not one to bottle things up, she broke a lot of things in the house and threw tantrums frequently. One time, Pearl decided that she didn’t want her “friend” to suffer anymore, so she tried to comfort her. The moment Pearl touched Rose’s shoulder was the moment that Rose snapped. She grabbed the nearest thing and slammed it to the corner of a table, which happened to be Pearl’s head.

Pearl was in bed under a doctor’s care for a while. She ended up losing that eye and gained a scar instead. Pearl wore an eyepatch from then on, which was explicitly designed by White Diamond. All pearls had the sole purpose of being pretty to watch. Apparently, in the eyes of White, her scar was to be appropriately covered if she wanted to keep her "job".

When she returned to her duties, she was no longer pink pearl as the Diamonds had replaced her as soon as they could. It stung her in the worst way. She had thought that Rose was her friend. It pained her to see that she was so easily replaced. It hurt to think that Rose could be so blind with anger to the point of hurting someone, to the point of hurting **Pearl** herself. She had felt that they were close, but apparently, that wasn't the case. 

White had decided to take her instead of her own Pearl. White’s pearl had gotten older and could no longer fulfill her duties very well. Former white pearl was already considered to be dead when Pearl had healed enough to serve once again. All pearls were killed when they had grown older, it was taught to them from a young age that they wouldn't live long.

Pearl was seven when she became white pearl and could no longer play games as she had used to do. Showing any type of emotion other than the constant smile that was plastered on Pearl's face was a reason for punishment. White would often beat her up for her pleasure or to relieve her stress. It always hurt, but her worst beating came a year later after she had been addressed to White Diamond.

Rose Quartz had gotten pregnant when she was sixteen. Rose had wanted an abortion, but White wouldn’t allow her as the child was a future successor to the Diamond Empire. White put her youngest daughter under house arrest.

Rose escaped somehow with her pearl, and White was infuriated. They had searched everywhere, but she was nowhere to be found. She had vanished. Enraged, White had beaten Pearl to the point of death.

Rose and her pearl had never been found. No one knew how they had escaped with all the guards around the residence. No one had any idea about which route they could have taken to leave the house, they didn't even know how Rose had gotten pregnant in the first place.

Pearl served under White for another twenty years. When she was twenty-seven, she was set to be killed. She had gotten too old in the eyes of White Diamond, for her body wasn’t as elastic as it had been when she was a child.  Pearl didn’t mind. She had craved death for a long time now, but she could never do it as she was under surveillance all the time. Her only comfort was that she knew this day would come.

Although, it seemed like life would never go the way she had planned. Just as her executioner was about to pull the trigger, someone else shot them. She looked at her rescuer only to find that she was saved by the pearl that had replaced her. She had a couple of women with her as well, who then introduced themselves as Garnet and Amethyst. They were all part of an extended organization called The Crystal Gems.

Crystal Gems were made of people who endured the pain caused by the Diamonds and aspired to take them down. Diamonds had killed Amethyst’s parents, had made Garnet’s mothers Ruby and Sapphire suffer, and the other woman was an ex-pearl. Pearl thought that these were all valid reasons to hate the Diamonds. They were all led by someone named Rose Quartz.

Pearl understood everything with a flash of shock and wondered if they knew the truth about Rose, but she kept her mouth shut. There was no point in chatting, not when she was still trying to process what had happened.

She was finally free. Tears streamed down her eyes as relief washed over her. She was free. She was  ** free. **

She thanked her saviors. The tall woman called Garnet approached her and took her hand, and the ex-pearl embraced her. 

Everything after that was a blur for Pearl. Those woman gave Pearl some money and told her to escape and to change her location continuously. “The Diamonds would never let someone who knows so much about them stay alive,” they had said. “They will soon realize the death of their minion and start searching for you.”

As they were leaving, Pearl stared after them with hollow eyes. She felt like she was in a trance. She couldn’t comprehend anything that was occurring. 

Garnet realized her condition and told the others to go before her and then approached Pearl.

Garnet sat next to her, and they sat together silently for some time. Finally, Garnet said, “Most pearls that we save still desire death after they are saved.”

Pearl understood the silent question and sighed.  _ Do I still want to die?  _

The answer came to her so smoothly, “There’s an Arabic proverb that is something along the lines of ‘If you try to drown yourself, you’ll see that your body will fight for air. Because it isn’t yourself that you want to kill, you want to kill something that is inside you.’ The same goes for me. It wasn’t my own death that I craved; I craved the end of my loneliness, my slavery, my suffering... I’m free now, so now I have the chance to kill those things otherwise.”

Garnet looked at Pearl with wonder but said nothing. Lightly patting Pearl’s back before standing up, Garnet left without another word.

Ever since then, Pearl had been on the run. She changed cities every three weeks and only worked for jobs that she knew for sure that wasn’t connected to the Diamonds in some way. She had kept her name as Pearl, for it was easier for her to remember and respond to.

It was four years after her escape that she had heard about a job offer for an acrobat for a wandering circus. It was perfect for Pearl. She would be on the road a lot, and she knew gymnastics well because of her training as a pearl.

But... Pearl never felt like she was free, even after four years. In her old jobs, every time her bosses told her to do something, the acrobat felt like her life was on the line if she didn’t do it well. Even as the acrobat was performing, Pearl felt herself like an object being watched. She never felt like an individual. She tried to tell herself that Rose Quartz was an incredible person who had built an organization solely to take down the Diamonds. For that reason, Pearl owed her life to Rose, but every time she saw her eye patch, she felt the wrath that came with being powerless.

Over four years, she learned to become stoic. As a pearl, she was supposed to smile and look happy all the time, so not showing any emotion was easy for her. She buried her anger, telling herself she had no right to despise Rose Quartz. She hid her fear, telling herself that she had no reason to be frightened of the Diamonds now that she had escaped. 

Pearl didn’t let herself feel anything for all she felt was agony. She buried all her feelings, for she thought that this was the right way to get rid of them, to kill them.

But as time went on, she soon realized that this wasn’t working. She grew desperate for happiness, desperate for comfort. The problem was that she didn’t know how to obtain those things. She felt like she wasn’t free, was never unbound. That it had all ben an illusion. It was like the Diamonds still had a grasp on her, her whole life was about running away from them. When she was at her darkest mindset, she thought that maybe her days of being a captive weren’t left in the past, that perhaps it would have been better for her to die that day for she didn’t know how to break the chains that bound her soul.

She had always felt lonely in her desperation, no one seemed to understand the way she felt and that pushed her into isolation even more. Her mask of having no emotions grew thicker. Until Spinel jumped off Mostar, it had been unbreakable. 

_ Spinel, _ thought Pearl. A ghost of a smile danced on her lips. The clown whose eyes and actions showed a similar pain to Pearl... Spinel had made Pearl feel something close to happiness when she performed. The way she joked and danced and did tricks were doing marvelous things to Pearl’s heart. When Spinel was around (especially when she was clowning), Pearl’s heart seemed to beat faster, her body became calmer, her pain dissipating (although not entirely) away. 

When Spinel jumped off Mostar Pearl had felt panic bubbling in her blood. She hadn’t felt fear like that in years. That was the day when Pearl realized that she didn’t want to lose the bit of comfort she had found in Spinel, no matter the price. Pearl had never felt more liberated than when their hands had brushed when they were patting Lion together.

Pearl took another deep breath and decided to go back to sleep as she had calmed down for the most part. As she started walking back to her bunkers, her thoughts were occupied with a specific clown.

Inside the bunker was much warmer, and Pearl shivered at the heat change. Her eyes fixated on something on the floor, and she realized with a sigh that Spinel had dropped her blanket once more. Pearl sighed tiredly and picked up the coverage to cover Spinel’s form.

Just as she was making sure that Spinel was adequately tucked in, Pearl realized that two magenta eyes were watching her drowsily. Pearl held her breath as she wasn’t sure about what to say, but her lips finally formed the words she was looking for. “Your blanket had fallen, and I didn’t want you to catch a cold,” Her voice was crystal-clear due to years of practice, but she was afraid that her poker face wasn’t as effective as it used to be. 

Spinel chuckled gently and Pearl felt heat rush to her cheeks. Spinel held Pearl's hand and kissed the center of her palm. When Spinel spoke, her voice was laced with sleep. “You’re such a sweetheart, ya know that toots?”

Pearl was sure that her face was displaying many, many emotions right now (way more then she was content showing) and couldn’t find a response. She was tongue-tied.

Thankfully, Spinel had fallen asleep right after saying that, and Pearl wasn’t obligated to answer.

As Pearl went back to her hammock, she wondered how someone could make her feel so free yet so out of control at the same time.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings : Suicide attempt, nervous breakdown, panic attack

A flower landed on the ground without making a single sound. No one saw it, no one realized the bulb, but it had fallen nevertheless. The tree that it had fallen from was full of buds that hadn’t matured yet. People passed by without caring, and birds chirped without acknowledging anything.

But the flower suffered death as a consequence of having matured earlier than it’s peers, for being different, it seemed. Even though it was more beautiful, it was dead now. Not that this was something out of the ordinary, quite the contrary actually, stuff like this happened every day. Small tragedies sprinkled mother earth with each breath a newborn baby took.

Pearl approached a peach tree and smelled the air.  _ Spring is coming,  _ she thought. She had always hated winter, and even though it had been a warmer February than usual, she longed for the hot summer. Hell, it hadn’t even snowed at all that year. Pearl glanced at the tree and wished for the flowers to bloom, for she had always loved the colors they brought into this world. 

She started her morning stretches, and as she did so, she noticed a flower lying on the ground. A ghost of a smile danced on her lips, and Pearl delicately picked it up, afraid to disturb it’s magnificence and found peace in her luck.

Though, her peace wasn’t one that had lasted long.

“What’s up, you one-eyed freak?” said a high pitched voice. Pearl turned around to face a short woman, Aquamarine. 

Pearl went straight back to her stretching. She didn’t have time for this nonsense, nor did she have the energy. The acrobat usually preferred to keep her calm when bullying such as this happened, and when people realized that they couldn’t get a rise out of her, they often left her alone. Plus, she had lived through far worse things than just a few mean things that people said.

Not Aquamarine, though. She never really stopped. She came around now and again for some unknown reason to bother Pearl.

“What, still not talking? Really, freak, didn’t anyone teach you any manners?”

“Aren’t ya tired of this bullshit Aquamarine?!” yelled someone. Pearl recognized the owner of the sound, and her heart melted.  _ Spinel is trying to protect me. _

Spinel grabbed Aquamarine by her collar and lifted her, bringing their faces dangerously close. “Leave her alone, or else...”

Spinel didn’t finish the sentence and just threw the short woman on the ground. Aquamarine huffed and walked away from them, swearing at them.

“Fine, if you want to be nice to someone as ugly as her, be my fucking guest.”

At that, Pearl laughed. Actually, freely laughed. For her whole life, she was supposed to be beautiful, to be nothing but eye candy. But now, people thought that she was ugly, and honestly, she felt a little bit of weight lift from her shoulders.

Spinel stared at Pearl worriedly, had Pearl gone crazy? Why would someone laugh at a comment like that? Spinel herself was ready to launch at Aquamarine and choke her, but here was Pearl, smiling as if this was the funniest thing that had ever happened.

Not that Spinel was complaining. She would choke  ** herself ** just to hear the melodic sound of Pearl’s laugh again.

Still, just to make sure, Spinel asked: “You alright, toots?”

Pearl took Spinel’s hand and squeezed tightly. “I must look like an insane person to you right now, huh?”

Spinel tried to give back an answer, but her heart was beating too fast for her to think properly, so she just blurted out, “Not when you’re laughing that magically, no.”

When she realized what she said, blood rushed to her cheeks, and she almost cried from embarrassment. Spinel tried to let go of Pearl’s hand, but Pearl just gripped tighter.

When Pearl was a slave under the Diamonds, she was never allowed to laugh. Her laugh was marked as disgusting, a sin worthy of punishment. Spinel, though, thought that it was magical.

Pearl looked at Spinel in the eye and had the urge to do something for her, anything, to show how she felt. So, she took the peach blossom and placed it in Spinel’s hair. It complimented Spinel’s pink cheeks well.

“What a brave knight you are, protecting me from that frightening four foot of a dragon Aquamarine,” teased Pearl. “This peach blossom is my humble gift to you for your services, please, accept it.”

Now this,  ** this  ** was something that Spinel was good at. Playing, teasing,  ** clowning ** . She shot back without missing a beat. “Oh my generous princess, it is with great honor that I accept your gift. I shall cherish it and protect it with my life, don’t you worry.”

They both chuckled at that, and Spinel felt the tension she had felt earlier starting to leave her body, her muscles becoming relaxed.

“Though, Spinel, if you want to take it off, I wouldn’t be mad or anything.”

“No way. A pretty dame like you is giving me a gift, and I’m gonna throw it out? No way, sweetheart,” said Spinel as she winked.

“Okay people, everyone get in the train we have to leave now if we want to make it in time for our show in Rome.”

Pearl and Spinel shared one last smile as Pearl pulled her hand away from their linked position. Spinel hadn’t even realized it that they had been holding hands for so long.

\----

The train ride was slow and tedious, and it was way too crowded for Spinel. She had never liked places like these so she decided to climb to the top of the train. She had done it before, and it had been such a freeing experience.

What Spinel hadn’t expected when she climbed up there was to see that Pearl was there as well. Pearl turned at the sound of Spinel’s footsteps and smiled. 

“You look gorgeous with that flower in your hair like that, Spinel.”

Spinel almost fell off the train at that comment. Pearl rushed to her to see if she was alright. 

“-ou alright?” Pearl was asking something, but Spinel was way too dizzy to understand. Her stomach was doing flips in her belly.

Spinel decided to spare Pearl the worry and mustered out, “Just peachy, toots.”

Pearl laughed, and it was way too much for Spinel. She felt like she was falling, in a whole different way at that as well.

Pearl helped her stand up, and they both sat quietly for a while, watching the view. It was supposed to be peaceful, but Spinel couldn’t stop her heart from trying to burst out of her ribs. 

Spinel cursed herself for feeling this way, what she was feeling ever since Pearl had given her that flower. She and Pearl had been friends for a couple of months now, why did she even feel the need to make something more of it? Who would want Spinel anyway? Surely, no one could desire someone as disgusting as her. Surely, Pearl could never-

“Someone’s deep in thought,” said Pearl, and Spinel was pulled out of her thoughts. “Care to share what’s on your mind?”

“E-eh? No, no, it’s fine, darlin’. Don’t you worry your pretty head about it.”

Pearl blushed, but her gaze grew worried as she took Spinel’s hand in hers. This time it was Spinel’s time to blush.

“Are you sure you don’t wan-” Pearl was speaking, and Spinel was sure that she was supposed to listen to it, but Pearl’s hand was so warm, and her lips were so soft as she spoke and her eyes were so bright and-  _ oh no... _

Pearl had stopped speaking and was now looking at Spinel so warmly, so invitingly. She almost looked, nervous? Spinel had no idea why Pearl would look even remotely shy, but then Pearl was leaning in, licking her lips and staring at Spinel’s. Her eyes closed slowly, and Spinel could hear her heart beating faster and faster, and she was so sure that Pearl could hear it as well and-

The train stopped abruptly, and they almost fell. They could hear Frank’s voice telling everyone to come down and start unpacking as they were both brought back to this world unwillingly. 

Pearl and Spinel were both blushing furiously, and they kept staring at each other for a while until Pearl broke the silence.

“Spinel, I...”

“It’s fine, toots. No harm done.”

“W-what? What are you talking about?” Pearl asked, but Spinel was already leaving to go down.

Pearl stayed there until Frank himself came to grab her and get her down, staring at where Spinel had been.

\----

_ Maybe Spinel didn’t want to kiss me at all, _ Pearl thought as she lay down to sleep that night.  _ I must have misread her. Perhaps I should apologize? But she isn’t the type of person that would want to talk about this. She must be furious with me. I should avoid her until she isn’t angry with me. I hope she doesn’t hate me. What if she thinks I was trying to use her? _

Underneath Pearl, Spinel was also overthinking this situation.

_ Of course, she didn’t mean it. She just wanted to kiss someone, probably. Who would want me, anyway? Who would care about me? _

Spinel had started crying. She felt hopeless, and she had no idea why she was feeling like this. 

All her life, she had believed that she was unloveable. What Pearl had done was against all of her beliefs. Her whole world was being shaken, and Spinel had no idea how to stable herself. It was filling her with despair once more. She had always hated being unloveable, but when faced with the probability that maybe someone could love her, she didn’t know what to do with herself.

Spinel was so very afraid. She felt like she was about to get hurt even more than she had because the only person who she had thought that loved her was her mother. But Pearl, she knew as a person. She couldn't handle it if Pearl was to start hating her. 

She needed some fresh air.

As Spinel walked out of the bunker, Pearl also rose to stare at her leaving form, her heart swelling with something that was so doubtlessly longing.

As Spinel smelled the fresh hair, her feet started moving on their own. She didn’t even know what she was doing as she got to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. 

Spinel was almost about to stab her gut when she heard a cry, and someone grabbed her hand.

When she turned to the source, she was faced with a crying Pearl, and it was almost worse than dying.

Almost.

Spinel angrily shouted, “Get out of here! Stop pretending to care about me!”

Pearl couldn’t handle looking at Spinel’s eyes; the anger in there was all too familiar for her. Pearl fell to her knees and started breathing heavily. “N-no! Please, no!” she begged. She was clutching her hair and holding her eye, afraid of getting hurt.

Spinel came back to her senses at the sight. She hadn’t meant to hurt Pearl like this. She could never hurt her like this. She felt the regret swelling in her gut. She sat down next to Pearl and held her close, willing Pearl’s pain to go away. 

“Please, don’t hurt me.”

“I could never, toots. I can hurt everyone, but not you... I’m so sorry for shouting at you.”

She started rocking Pearl back and forth as it was calming Pearl down.

“I’m here, toots. I’m here. Nothing can ever hurt you now...”


	6. Chapter 6

Pearl and Spinel sat quietly in the kitchen for a long time without Pearl’s grip on Spinel’s arms, never relaxing. Spinel didn’t let go of Pearl either, holding her close like it was the end of the world. Finally, after countless minutes, Pearl spoke:

“I can’t bear to lose you...”

Spinel was taken aback by this. She had never expected Pearl, or anyone, really, to say something like that. Especially after how she had scared Pearl. But still, there was a question lingering on her mind.

“Why? Why do you care?”

Pearl looked at Spinel with eyes full of adoration and gave her answer:

“Because your eyes hold the same despair as mine do. Because when I look at you, I’m filled with a kind of peace I’ve never known before. Because your heart doesn’t have a single ugly thing in it, no matter what you may think. And finally, I can’t let you die because I know what it’s like to long for death, and I care about you way too much to let your life end like that.”

Spinel couldn’t hold Pearl’s gaze any longer after that and tried to turn her head, but Pearl held her chin with one of her hands and steadied it.

“I know what it’s like to want to kill something inside you, but I also know that that something inside you doesn’t exist. You’re unbelievably incredible, Spinel. Both inside and out.”

Spinel was crying now but she made no move to wipe her tears. She just continued to look at Pearl, searching for any indication that she might not be telling the truth but when she couldn’t find it, her tears started falling even faster.

“I-I...” Spinel started, but the words simply couldn’t come out of her mouth.

“Shh, it’s fine. C’mere,” Pearl said and embraced Spinel. Pearl was now practically sitting in Spinel’s lap. They held each other even after Spinel’s tears came to an end, for they desperately needed each other.

“Even my mom, Rose Quartz, didn’t want me. It’s so weird that you do.”

Pearl tensed at the name, and suddenly the pieces were coming together. The person who protected Pearl from being bullied about her eye was the daughter of the person who was the reason Pearl had lost that eye. Pearl decided against telling this to Spinel. They would have time, and neither of them could handle that kind of closure at the moment.

So instead, Pearl gently brought their lips together.

Spinel Quartz absolutely melted.

“You’re way better than your mother, trust me on that,” whispered Pearl against Spinel’s lips.

They continued their embrace until they fell asleep right there for the staff to find, on the kitchen floor.

\---

Pearl swirled on top of the ropes, getting “ooh”s and “aah”s from the audience. The acrobat was at peak performance that night, even though she had lots of questions running in her mind, for she felt at peace. She felt like she could take on the entire world with her bare hands. Magenta eyes were taking up all the space that her mind had to offer, and she wasn’t feeling the tiniest regret about it.

She fell down purposefully, just to take the audience by surprise and make them think she was actually falling, just to hold on to another rope. She didn’t have to look to know that one of the people gasping was Spinel, she just knew. Ever since they had woken up in an embrace that morning, Spinel was acting like Pearl was delicate. And that was one of the reasons Pearl had chosen a more dangerous route for her performance that night. To show that she wouldn’t break that easily. No, it would take a hell lot to break Pearl.

Though, that wasn't to say that Pearl hadn’t enjoyed the way Spinel acted. No one had treated her with such utter gentleness before. She had been an object, but now, with Spinel’s help, she was shedding that skim to reveal something new.

For all her life, Pearl had carried sins that weren’t hers to begin with, and now she felt like she could finally let go of them. The acrobat could eventually heal.

Spinel watched in bewilderment as the acrobat danced around the ropes carelessly. This performance was so different than the one Spinel had seen the first night but no less beautiful. She had gotten the message of Pearl not being delicate, and that had made her blush entirely, for that meant that this performance was meant for her.

_ She’s dancing for me to see... _

Then, all too soon in Spinel’s opinion, it was over.

\---

That night, while everyone was laying down in their bunkers, a whisper brought Spinel out of her thoughts:

“Spinel, we should talk.”

Panic rose in Spinel’s gut at the words that left Pearl’s mouth.  _ She must be regretting our kiss, surely. _

“C’mon, let’s go outside.” Spinel had barely mustered up the courage to say that.

It was a clear night, and the stars were visible. Although it was a bit cold, there was no wind so a person could quickly adapt to it.

Pearl took Spinel’s hand, and they started walking, Spinel melting at the acrobat’s touch. They walked for some time, just enjoying each other’s company until they reached a lake. It was a beautiful sight. The stars were reflected on the lake’s surface. Some frogs could be heard, and even a few fish were present.

“Spinel...” started Pearl, and Spinel prepared herself for the worst. But, it never came. “I knew your mother.”

Spinel could barely wrap her mind around that fact. “ ** What?”  ** was the only thing she could say. Then, Pearl took a deep breath and told her everything about herself. Spinel listened to it all without making a single sound, her eyes never leaving Pearl’s. And as Pearl finished her story, she had tears shining in her eyes at the moonlight.

Spinel let a dry chuckle “Heh... So she was a bitch to you too, huh?”

Pearl decided to choose her answer carefully. “She- Well, she was never the best person in the world, but I heard that she’s trying to change. That’s what the crystal gems are. Rose and her friends are trying to get the mafia adown. I even met someone named Garnet an-”

“You met Garnet? Wait, Garnet’s a Crystal Gem?”

“Wait, you know Garnet as well? Y-yeah. She’s a Crystal Gem.”

“Still, how could you defend her like that?! That asshole ruined my life!”

“Spinel... I was just trying to give you some perspective. I’m sorry.”

Spinel was already regretting her words by the time Pearl had apologized. “It- Ah, It’s fine, toots. I’m sorry for yelling, as well.”

Spinel let out another chuckle, this one had more feeling in it. “Ya know, I actually thought you brought me here to tell me that you regretted our...” Spinel began, but she was cut off by a soft pair of lips.

Pearl had kissed her like she was dehydrated in a desert, and Spinel was a refreshing cup of water. When she was done, she looked at Spinel intensely and said: “I have never not regretted something as much as our kiss.” Spinel leaned in for another one immediately. Pearl tasted like peaches and caramel and so sweet and so much like herself that Spinel felt like she was losing her mind.  _ This _ , Spinel thought dazedly, _ this is something that I could get used to. _

When they broke apart, Spinel took Pearl’s hand and led them back to their bunkers. They both knew it was really late, and neither of them wanted to re-experience being woken up by the staff again. What surprised Spinel was that when they came back, Pearl wouldn’t let go of her hand even as she climbed into her bed. Spinel blushed at the silent request but accepted it nonetheless. 

Together, they fell into a deep slumber.


	7. Chapter 7

Pearl woke up the next morning feeling well-rested and fresh, but still, there was nagging at the back of her mind. She had to tell Spinel who Rose Quartz was and what she had done. Pearl couldn’t understand the reason why, but they were almost divine. When she looked at Spinel, she felt like a little girl who was praying to be saved again. These feelings were utterly new to her.

Pearl gazed longingly at Spinel’s plump lips, her curved eyelashes, and her long limbs. Talking could wait, but being with Spinel could not. So, she gently started peppering kisses on the clown’s face. The magenta eyed beauty gave a grunt as a reply and clung to Pearl, pulling her back to sleep.  _ Yes _ , thought Peal. Talking could wait.

After another half an hour of sleeping, they got up, hand in hand, and silently went through their morning routines. Some people gave them odd looks, some of the ways people looked were knowing, but neither was aware of anything. They were in synch, almost as if they were fused, and they only had eyes for each other the whole day. Even though Spinel was a little shyer when it came to this, she couldn’t bear not being in the acrobat’s presence.

After a light breakfast, Pearl nudged Spinel’s side and silently asked to be followed.

After reaching a clearance, Pearş stopped Spinel and took a deep breath to say: “I served under Rose Quartz.”

She told her life story from the beginning, for her story as also one involving Rose Quartz. But also, she wanted Spinel to know every little detail about herself. It was as if there had been a Spinel sized hole in her heart, and as she spoke, it was slowly being filled.

Pearl didn’t realize that tears were streaming down her face until a gentle thumb started brushing them away. She started crying even more, but she was not to be stopped, she would go on until her story was finished. Only when the words became unintelligible did Spinel hug her as tightly as possible, cradling her, protecting her... All this time, Pearl had wanted someone to see she had been suffering without showing it, for she needed a witness, a witness that this had actually happened. But in Spinel’s arms, she found out that she was enough of a witness already, and yes, everything had indeed happened, and yes, she had every right to be fucked up.

When she was done with her story, Spinel gently urged her back to look at her eyes. Pearl only found trust and adoration in them. Spinel believed her, and that was enough.

Without missing a beat, Spinel spoke, “ We’re leaving tonight, to find the Crystal Gems.”

Pearl was shocked, and her shock must have shown on her face, too, as Spinel said, “I’m the heir now, and I get to decide the future that the Diamond Mafia takes. I don’t care if they don’t believe me, I will disarm every single last one of the people who hurt you an make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else. I will make sure that you are safe, my love.”

Pearl felt like she was hit with a brick. The typically playful, easygoing Spinel was promising her safety with such seriousness. That meant,,, Pearl wouldn’t have to be scared again? That she would be truly safe?

“I’m with you until the very end. Let’s leave tonight.

\------------------------

The journey to Beach City was long, but the train had beddings in it. It hadn’t been hard to guess what chaos would overtake the circus after they left, but neither one of them regretted that. What they did feel regret for, however, was leaving Lion behind. Just before they left, Spinel had approached Lion and promised to come back to get him out of there.

Ever since their talk, Spinel only felt rage. How could they? How could they have done that to her, Pearl? How could her mom have done that? She had long known that her mother was a terrible person, but she hadn’t expected this. Even her self hatred had never burned as much. The idea of Pearl getting hurt was just way too much for Spinel to bear.

“Spinel... are you alright?” asked Pearl.

Spinel burst out of her thoughts and smiled. “Shucks, darlin’. You worry your pretty little head way too much. ‘M fine.”

Pearl smiled and went back to looking out the window.

_ It’s amazing. How could someone just dissipate my frustration like that? Pearl really is quite a gal. _

Spinel thought about how Pearl had defended Rose earlier and felt sadness crushing her bones. It was so weird. Her mother was so odd. Sure, she had tried to change, but that didn’t erase her mistakes.

Then, she started thinking about a plan. Rose had used an escape route to get out of the house, maybe they could use it to get in? But what was to come after that? What if they were outnumbered? How were they to defeat the Diamonds?

But then an idea struck Spinel. What if she could prove her identity as a Quartz to them? White Diamond knew about Rose’s one-night stand that had led to Spinel being born, she just needed to prove herself.

The rest would come afterward, she decided.

Spinel left her thoughts and refocused her gaze on the reality of where she was. Pearl had fallen asleep, and her head was bumping lightly against the window. Spinel repositioned Pearl on her shoulder for Pearl’s comfort. (Of course, it was only for Pearl’s relief. Of course, Spinel wasn’t getting anything out of this.)

_ Yes, all will turn out well in the end...  _


	8. Chapter 8

As the train arrived at Beach City, Spinel and Pearl were in the midst of a heated debate about the correct way to read the word tomato. It was such a simple thing that had gotten them heated up, and Pearl started laughing as she realized this and kissed Spinel square on the lips.

Spinel was shocked by the sudden emotional gesture and blushed from her toes to her ears. Feeling rather shy, her hand made it's way to Pearl's and squeezed it gently. Spinel realized that they had arrived, and they made their way out of the train.

That was the first part of the plan: Getting to Beach City. But the second part, which was to find the Crystal Gems, Spinel did not look forward to. Because finding the gems meant finding Steven, her half-brother. Spinel did not need another reminder of Rose Quartz, her awful mother. But she had to do this for Pearl.

And herself too, for she needed closure as well. But that part she could not admit to anyone, especially herself. Because she was so used to hating herself that thinking about doing something for herself almost brought guilt along with itself.

"So, where do we find them?" asked Pearl.

"I know where they live. It's not that far away from here, toots. Ya, just follow me." explained Spinel.

"Alright."

Spinel sensed that Pearl wanted to ask something, so she turned fully to face the former acrobat and asked, "What?"

"How did you meat the Crystal Gems?" Pearl's voice was just curious, but they felt like tiny daggers hitting Spinel's heart.

"W-well, Uhm... Shucks..."

Spinel sighed and decided to just say it.

"I was searching for my mother, ya know." Spinel said as she gripped her heart-shaped locket.

Pearl decided to ask no further questions.

When they reached the door to the Crystal Gems' house, Pearl firmly knocked. A short woman with purple hair opened the door. She looked shocked to see Spinel but invited them in anyways.

"So, Spinel. I haven't seen you in a while. How's it goin'?" asked Amethyst.

Just as Spinel was about to reply, a deep voice cut her off.

"What brings you two here?" asked Garnet shortly.

"Jeez, swell to see you too, Garnet," said Spinel sarcastically.

Garnet didn't budge by Spinel's tone and just stood there, waiting for them to reply. Pearl decided to break the uncomfortable silence by answering the question.

"We want to help you guys beat the Diamonds. We have Spinel, White Diamond's granddaughter. And I used to serve her, we might be of help," explained Pearl, a little too quickly to dissipate the tension in the air.

The other pearl that Spinel had seen before came in with little Steven in her arms. He had surely grown up. Spinel gulped and bit her inner cheek but kept her place. No, she would not run away this time.

"Spinel?! White Diamond's Pearl??? What's going on here?" questioned the other-Pearl.

Pearl flinched at her ex-title but kept a brave face. "It's good to see you well," she replied simply.

"How did you two meet anyway?" asked Amethyst.

"What's it to ya?" barked back, Spinel.

"Now now, we're all on the same side. No need to be so hostile, Spinel. And yes, we could always use more help and yes, you two could actually be useful. I won't ask you why now you decided to join, but thank you for doing so." said Garnet. Her eyes held a knowing glint to them that Spinel both hated and loved dearly.

"We lost a lot of our beloved gems, our numbers have decreased distinctly. We really need all the help we can get," agreed other-Pearl.

"What if I were to prove that I'm related to them?" asked Spinel. "Would this locket suffice as proof?"

The gems inspected the locket. It was Garnet who replied as she was the clear-cut leader of this rebellion. "That, combined with your eyes, will do. Rose's eyes were a genetic mutation that she's passed to you. Have you seen anyone else with magenta eyes in your life?"

Spinel felt kicked in the gut, for she hated the idea that she resembled her mother, even in a small way.

Other-Pearl realized her discomfort and decided butt in and save Spinel: "Let's get you two settled in, then! You two could use the old rooms of our old troops."

"Just one room will suffice," said Pearl, and Spinel blushed immediately.

\----

After they settled in, Pearl fell asleep, and Spinel decided to tour the house. She found a painting of Rose in the living room, which made her gut wrench, she  ** really did ** look a lot like her mother. Angry with herself for something she couldn't control, she decided to leave for a walk on the beach. 

That made her even angrier with herself as she remembered the last time on this beach and hee suicide attempt. She looked up at the stars and started thinking, she did hate herself still, and she did want it all to end even, but she didn't want to die.

She remembered the feeling of despair, the despair that had filled up her lungs, and burned them. She still felt it, but it wasn't as strong anymore.

Was it because of Pearl?

_ Partly, it is,  _ thought Spinel. It was the effect of Pearl. Spinel had recognized Pearl's feelings like they were her own, which made her feel less alone but wasn't just Pearl. It was that something in Spinel had changed. She had hated everything back then. Herself, too, hated everything except Rose. She had thought that Rose would save her from the pit of despair she was in. Spinel had been broken when she had learned the truth. But now, the former clown didn't expect anyone to save her. She didn't expect Pearl to save her. Pearl was there for her, and this was enough. Just seeing her was enough. Being understood was enough.

Except that it wasn't.

Except that there was still something missing inside her.

Spinel started crying, if Pearl wasn't the answer, what was? Spinel was in love with Pearl, she had realized that not long ago. So if love wasn't the answer, what was it? What was missing?

Spinel started hitting the sand and accidentally hit a glass bottle. She cried out in pain, and someone came running and shouting her name.

Amethyst crouched down beside her and asked, "Hey dude, are you alright? C'mon, let's get you inside and patch that up."

When her hand was patched up, Amethyst looked at her apologetically and asked, "Soooo... Do you wanna talk about it or something?"

When Spinel shook her head as a no, The purple-haired girl almost looked relieved. _ She must not be good with this sort of thing either,  _ thought Spinel.

"Hey, Amethyst. Thanks", said Spinel and left for bed without further ado.

"No problem..." replied back Amethyst long after Spinel left. She recognized the self-hate that the daughter of her own mother figure was having. For she battled with her own as well and wished Spinel the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spinel needs therapy, that's what she needs.


End file.
